The silence
by Arianka
Summary: Maglor is burdened with the decision he had made about leaving Maedhros in captivity.


Another translation od my Polish story. Sequel to The sentence.

* * *

 **The silence**

The way back to the lake Mithrim was filled with thick silence between the sons of Feanor. Celegorm went scouting time after time, not missing a single patrol, so he was tired at the breaks and therefore could sleep. Caranthir burst into anger over unimportant things like the fire being too small, so he was soon left in peace. Curufin on the contrary was meticulous, as if he didn't want to give his eldest brother the smallest thing to complain about. His son sneaked among his uncles, trying to be useful and invisible.

Amras grew indifferent. Maglor watched him and he would think they were carrying a dummy along, if his younger brother didn't occasionally whisper to his horse, and whenever one of his bothers tried to talk to him, he pushed his mount to find himself another place among Noldor. During breaks, he took care of all the brothers' horses as well as his own, he helped just like everybody else, leaving cooking to Caranthir. When there was no longer anything to do, he would sit by the fire, usually ignoring his bowl with food given by one of his brothers. Sometimes he would eat a bit, sometimes he just curled and covered his head with his cloak, though Maglor doubted he slept. Sometimes he would sit by the fire during the whole pause in journey.

Maglor didn't sing.

It took some time until his brothers noticed. Maglor walked among the elves during journey and at the stops. He discussed the route, sent patrols, coordinated scouts with Celegorm. He kept learning the names of his commanders, everything that earlier Maedhros had taken care of. Though Maglor thought he knew much, it appeared he didn't, because he had trusted his elder brother to lead them. Well, he was the eldest now.

He was last to sit down among his brothers, after he had spoken with every commander, he talked to Celegorm while eating. He ate what he was given by Caranthir, trying to sort everything he had heard. He had to.

After all that, he simple didn't have any strength left for anything but staring numbly at the fire, until he fell asleep to catch a bit of rest before further ride. He was silent. He knew he was usually noisy, he had a habit of humming without even realising that, but now he just couldn't find his voice, remember a single melody. His harp laid closed securely in her case, Maglor checked occasionally if she was safe, if there is no water inside. He couldn't take the instrument, let his fingers run the strings, find peace in music. He could not. He deserved not.

A week passed, then another; it was harder to count time during journey in that endless night, but it was doubtlessly getting colder and rained more with every day.

Maglor welcomed rest with a quiet sigh. The lack of sleep was beginning to get to him. Kiddy wasn't the only one who spent long hours on pointless watch. Maglor often couldn't sleep too. After his usual walk around the camp he sat down by the fire and stared into the flames, hoping he would at least dry his soaked cloak.

Someone gave him a bowl with hot stew. Maglor thanked without raising his head. Only when he saw a glimpse of red hair of his youngest brother as he sat next to him, he blinked in surprise. Amras consequently avoided everybody, especially Maglor, so he was surprised to see him sitting nearby with his meal. Maglor held back the urge to try to talk to him. He just started eating and waited.

Amras ate in silence and because he looked like he was going to empty his bowl this time, Maglor didn't want to disturb him. He just watched him with the corner of his eye if his brother was actually eating.

"There is more, if you wish," said Amras quietly, when he caught his brother's stare. Unlike him, Maglor finished his meal quickly.

"No." Maglor shook his head. He wasn't hungry.

Amras fiddled with his spoon and put aside his bowl with unfinished meal. He pulled his knees closer to rest his chin and went silent, staring grimly, like he usually did. Maglor watched him, dark circles under his eyes, hair tied carelessly on the back, his fingers clenching uncontrollably on his knees.

"I know you had no choice." Amras spoke unexpectedly, just as Maglor began to think his brother didn't register where he was sitting and who did he was talking to.

Maglor felt his throat tighten when he realised Amras was silently offering his hand to make peace, and if he didn't forgive him, then he at least understood his decision. If he could, Maglor would have done anything to lessen that terrible emptiness in Kiddy's eyes; he should have, as his elder brother, after everything they went through recently. He remained silent, and Amras continued, gazing at his feet.

"I know you had to... I wish, want... but I know we can't," he spat out unfinished sentences, quickly, as if afraid that once he stopped, he would never finish. "I don't want to be another burden, Kano," he rose his head and stared Maglor directly in his eyes. "Now you need to do everything... So don't worry about me, I will be fine." The quiet assurance sounded like a pleading lie.

Almost soundless 'thank you' was all Maglor managed to choke out. Now that he knew his brother wouldn't run away from him, he moved closer and embraced him with his arm. Amras leaned to this touch, allowed Maglor to let his hair loose and Maglor realised just how terribly alone they were recently, all of them.

"You're silent," stated Amras, when Maglor combed his hair with his fingers. "You are never silent, Kano. I miss your voice," he muttered softly, closing his eyes.

"I feel like I'm talking all the time," sighed Maglor, though he knew it was not what his brother meant.

"You don't sing." It wasn't a reproach or a plea, just a mere observation.

"I cannot."

He would write lament after lament, had he not felt there were no words to reflect his soul, words that wouldn't just close the tragedy in beautiful verses. The death of Ambarto, then father's and finally the decision he had made, it was all too fresh for him to sing about it. He doubted his younger brothers, especially Amras, would want to listen to such songs anyway. And anything else sounded like mockery.

"I understand."

"I can't, Kiddy. I'm sorry."

Amras didn't insist. Maglor half expected him to open up, that maybe he would want to share his grief that had kept him so far away from his brothers, but Amras didn't say a word, just cuddled on his chest. Maglor dug out a comb from his pocket and started combing his brother's hair, trying to focus on this simple task, trying not to think about the two missing redheads, about mother.

He was silent.


End file.
